Saturday, January 3, 2009

Black Black Friday

Today was as bad as yesterday was good. I called all around trying to figure out a way to get this lung biopsy asap so I don't have delay chemotherapy. No one can schedule it before the 12th, the day I'm supposed to start the second round of chemotherapy. They ask me how I am. I say, "Depressed and feeling sorry for my self." Well they did ask, right?
I put in a call to the oncologist to find out how this new lack of definitive pathology would affect my treatment. She took her sweet time and called me back after lunch. I asked if delaying the treatment would affect effectiveness. She said she prefers to stay on schedule, but she has to have the correct pathology to use the right chemo. Things got bad when she said, "So your chemo will be pushed back to the 19th." I had a little meltdown when I realized that is only 2 days before Nora's c-section.
It just seemed so unfair. First they tell me I don't have a lot of time left, then they suck every bit of joy out of what's left. I started to cry and said that's the week that my stepdaughter's having her baby. I was supposed to be done with the chemo not starting it. She felt bad I guess and said she would see what she could do.
I gave up waiting and went swimming. The whole day was water. Tears and pool water. Swimming felt normal and relaxing. I swam 35 laps and felt great. When I got out of the pool, there was a message from the doctor's office nurse. She said:
"I called cat scan. They don't have a earlier appointment. Yours is the next available."
Excuse me, but that is NOT trying. The damn doctor didn't even call cat scan herself or me.
I felt so betrayed. I expected her to call CAT scan and say. "The hospital pathologists screwed up a pathology report and I have a really sick, angry patient. I need a lung biopsy Monday. I need you to make that happen". Silly me.
I have been trying to figure out why I react so strongly to this woman. I think there are two things:
1. I haven't had a new health care provider for 18 years. I've had the same dentist for 30 years, midwives for 25, my family doctor is the new guy, at 18 years, but he gets points for his wife being my friend. So I am used to health care providers who personally care about me and would do anything I needed to receive optimal health care. I can't trust this lady like that. I don't feel like she's got my back.
2. I have 25 clients and a family that I am used to advocating for. If my clients need something, we find a way to get it. I call people, badger agencies, and teach them little by little to do it for themselves and their babies. I don't call them and say, "Oh I called and the clinic is booked for birth control appointments." I call the person I know at the clinic and say that this girl needs to come in now before she becomes pregnant again. How can we make that happen? Even if I couldn't make it happen, I wouldn't call and say "They said no". I would tell her everything I did to try.
I just felt abandoned. Where is my advocate? My sister did call and and talked to the office staff. IT didn't produce anything different, but at least I felt like I had someone on my side.
The day at least ended nicely with dinner and a game of 5 crowns with my parents. My mom went with me to sing at Ted's house for a while. There's nothing like loud singing to put you back in balance.